Jessica Simpson

You're looking at Jessica Simpson's celebrity right now. Blonde hair, perfect teeth, smooth tan complexion, and, of course, her chest. There it is. She has a great singing voice, but we all know she's not where she is solely because of how she sounds. Now, why do I hate her? I'll tell you why.

Newlyweds featuring Nick and Jessica. That's why. That show brought me to a dark and scary place. It took me somewhere I never want to go. That's right - it took me into Jessica Simpson's brain. She's a freakin' idiot. I can look at Barbie all day, but as soon as Barbie starts talking about Chicken of the Sea tuna like she has an I.Q. of 20, she looks less and less attractive to me. In fact, she repulses me now. All I see when I look at her is vacuousness and that giant cleft in her chin. To quote my wife, "EEEW!"

Lance Armstrong

I use the phrase "lying scumbag" too often. I should really reserve it for people like Lance Armstrong. For starters, I'm convinced that he cheated in cycling. In fact, I'm convinced that almost all cyclists at that level use whatever means necessary for their bodies to utilize oxygen more efficiently, be it blood-doping or whatever. I don't even care that he cheated if everyone does it. What annoys me is that he constantly laughs in the face of his detractors. It's as if he gets more joy out of having gotten away with cheating than he did with actually winning the Tour de France. His stint as host of the ESPYs made me throw up in my mouth a little. It's as if he's yelling, "Here I am. I cheated. You can't catch me!" The whole thing makes me sick.

Then, as if that isn't enough, he divorced his wife with three children under the age of four. I mean, his Tour de France winning streak lasted longer than his marriage. And why? Because he cared more about it.

I just think he's a jerk, and I think it's an absolute shame that America equates those little yellow wristbands with him and strength. Yes, he beat cancer. Good for him. But there are plenty of good, honest people out there with cancer about whom America doesn't give a crap. Do we have to glorify a cheater?

Paris Hilton

I once heard Triumph the Insult Comic Dog mock P-Diddy by saying "I didn't know wearing a suit was a skill". The implication being that the only thing he was good at was wearing a suit, and that wasn't all that impressive a talent. Well, Sean Combs certainly has a leg up on Paris Hilton, because all she's good at is showing off her privates. Seriously, where's her talent? Is self-promotion a career? She's very good at it, but as far as I know, the only thing that pushed her into the public eye was partying like she had no responsibilities in her life (and she didn't) and having sex on video for the world to see. Oh, and occasionally flashing her privates to the paparazzi. Is that enough of a reason for my living room to be bombarded with images of her all over television? Do I care that a bazillionaire heiress is going to jail? Actually, I do. Why should she be housed on the taxpayers' dollar when she has so much cash already?

Frankly, I hope she goes back to jail and stays a while. They don't allow cameras in there.

Kobe Bryant

So let's see. Kobe Bryant won three NBA Championships. Then he whined and complained until Shaquille O'Neal was run out of town. Now the Los Angeles Lakers are his franchise. What has he done with them? He hasn't gotten past the first round of the playoffs. Sure, he managed to score 81 points in a game, but if that doesn't get your team deeper in the playoffs, who cares? Now he's complaining that he wants out of Los Angeles. The team wasn't any good with Shaq (except for the three championships) and they aren't any good without Shaq. He's just a horrible team player. I don't care if he can score a zillion points a game if they don't help his team toward a championship.

So, just given that stuff, I don't like the guy. Then throw in the fact that he cheated on his wife (ignoring the rape charges) and now he's somebody that I just abhor. Maybe I just don't understand how infidelity works in the NBA, but if you're going to position yourself as a role model for children and then cheat on your wife you're scum.